Our Austen: Fan Fiction in the Classroom
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Pomp & Fanciness
Henrike van der Brug, Arjette Engels, Anneke Middelveld, and Sanne IJkema
Pomp & Fanciness a play in four acts
Cast:
Henrike van der Brug..............................Narrator Arjette Engels..............Lady Catherine de Bourgh Anneke Middelveld......................Anne de Bourgh Sanne IJkema....................Mr. Collins/Mrs. Collins
ACT I
Narrator: It is a truth universally not acknowledged that Anne de Bourgh was in love with Mr. Collins. Ever since Anne had first laid her eyes on Mr. Collins, she knew herself to be in love. For who could resist such a man, such an orator, such a personality?!
Mr. Collins had called on Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Anne’s mother, in order to discuss the living at Rosings. Mr. Collins had recently finished his studies at Oxford and was now ready for a position. The living at Rosings and the Parsonage at Hunsford would suit him well, and Mr. Collins was determined to put his best foot forward when meeting his future patroness.
Lady Catherine: Please sit down, Mr. Collins.
Mr. Collins: Most honorable Lady Catherine. The vastness of my gratitude towards your hospitality, your kindness and your splendor cannot be measured, I am sure of this! Why, the very fact that I am here, at the glory that is Rosings, with a chimney piece unparalleled in all of Europe, it would not have occurred to me in my wildest . . .
Lady Catherine: (interrupting Mr. Collins) Sit down sir, sit down. Now, you were brought to my notice by your teacher, Mr. . . . (they talk on, quietly)
Narrator: As Mr. Collins fumbled on, taking every opportunity he could to compliment Lady Catherine, the rugs, the chimney piece or the candlesticks, Anne, who sat silently in a corner, fell deeply in love with this charming man. It was rare for a man of Mr. Collins’s allure to visit Rosings; in fact, it was a rare occasion for Anne to come across a man at all. Mr. Collins, despite his attentions to Lady Catherine, did notice quiet, mousy Anne in the corner, and as Anne went to the other room to take her medication, Mr. Collins inquired after her.
Lady Catherine: Yes, my Anne would have been a fine addition to court, had she had a stronger
constitution. But alas, her illness prevents any sort of
accomplishment. I am sure, however, that Anne would have been a
great proficient, if her health had allowed her. She rarely
ventures out of doors; she is confined to her bedchamber for most of
the day. The only companion she has is her nurse, Mrs. Jenkins.
Mr. Collins: What a great sorrow! Not only for her, but for
England! To miss such a pearl.
Lady Catherine: Yes, indeed it is! However, Anne is secured of a great
future. Her impending marriage to my nephew, Mr. Darcy of Pemberley,
will be a joyous occasion. Their marriage was arranged between
my dear, late sister and myself during their infancy. I fear
that my daughter has known few pleasures in her life, but life at
Pemberley will be sure to provide her with some!
Narrator: Anne did
have a pleasure at that time of her life, for she loved to read
novels. Her favorite novels were of a Gothic nature and so each
night, after she had said her prayers, Anne would allow herself to be
carried away into the world of excitement, ghosts, marauders and
draughty castles. The novel she was reading at the time Mr.
Collins had entered her life was The Pope.
And so, as she went to bed that night, her head still filled with the
splendor that was Mr. Collins, she read a few pages before resting
her head for the night.
All of the sudden, Anne was back in the parlor of Rosings. Mr.
Collins was there again, as was her mother. Yet, this time, Mr.
Collins was not trying to dazzle Lady Catherine with his eloquence.
This time, Mr. Collins only had eyes for Anne.
Mr. Collins: I have heard of the beauty of Rosings, but I had always
believed it related to the architecture. Never would I have
imagined finding such a pearl here.
Anne: I . . . I . . .
(He reaches out to touch her face, but before his fingertips touch her
cheek, Anne wakes with a snore.)
Narrator: Anne awoke with a start, but smiled as she remembered her dream.
ACT II
Narrator: Some days have passed since Anne had first met Mr. Collins. He
had not called since, as he had his hands tied in settling at
Hunsford. Anne guessed that by now, everything should be in its
rightful place, and since it was a fine day, Mr. Collins might be
tending his garden, as he had professed a passion for gardening
during his first visit. She would need her mother’s
approval, and so she ventured into the parlor, where her mother was
reading.
Anne: Mother? It is such a glorious day outside. With your
permission, I would like to take a turn around the garden. It
would do wonders for my complexion, Mrs. Jenkins always says so.
Lady Catherine: My dearest Anne, pray, consider your health! You
may feel like taking a turn now but I foresee days of recuperation
afterwards. (Calling to Mrs. Jenkins, who is offstage)
Mrs. Jenkins, surely you’ll agree!
Narrator: But Mrs. Jenkins, who knew Anne better than Lady Catherine did, knew
that Anne hoped for a chance meeting with Mr. Collins. She
persuaded Lady Catherine to let Anne venture out. She promised
not to let Anne out of her sight and to turn back at the slightest
hint of deterioration of Anne’s health.
Anne did feel that she was pushing her health farther than it ought to be pushed, but
she was determined to walk to the Parsonage and hoped that the rosy
glow on her cheeks registered with Mrs. Jenkins as a sign of enjoyment, rather than fatigue.
As they neared the Parsonage, Mrs. Jenkins feigned an interest to
inspect a tree, and urged Anne to go on without her. Anne
delighted at this opportunity and, lo and behold, when she rounded
the corner that brought her into view of the Parsonage, there was Mr.
Collins, walking towards her, no doubt on his way to Rosings.
Mr. Collins: Dear Miss de Bourgh! How far you have walked today!
And I was just on my way to call on the magnificent Lady Catherine to
thank her once again for the vast kindness that she bestowed on insignificant me.
Anne: Oh I assure you, ’tis nothing really! I do feel a little
fatigued however, and Mrs. Jenkins has ventured off. . . . (gestures offstage)
Narrator: Anne said, hopeful that Collins would take the hint and escort her back home.
Mr. Collins: Pray, let me take care of this! (makes a gesture as to escort Miss Anne, but raises his hand to his
mouth to call out, as Anne almost falls over) Mrs. Jenkins!!!! Mrs. Jenkins!!!!
Narrator: Unfortunately, Mr. Collins did not take the hint. He called for Mrs. Jenkins, who could not feign
a deaf ear, and he urged the two ladies to return home.
Lady Catherine: Anne! Have I not foretold this! You are weary with
fatigue! Look at how red you are. This will not do.
You are no longer to venture out into the garden. I adamantly forbid it!
ACT III
Narrator: A few weeks passed. Anne had caught cold during her walk and
was confined to her bedchamber. She therefore did not encounter
Mr. Collins anymore. The day she was well enough to join her
mother for dinner turned out to be a black day for Anne.
Lady Catherine: Well, this is a joyous day. My Anne is better, and I have succeeded in my little mission.
Anne: What mission, mother?
Lady Catherine: I have sent Mr. Collins off to his relatives. His
late father’s cousin, a Mr. Bennet, has five single daughters.
I have always believed a rector ought to set an example for his
congregation, and so I have urged Mr. Collins to visit this Bennet
household and to choose a wife.
Anne: Oh . . .
Lady Catherine: Perhaps, after Mr. Collins has wed, he can perform his
first wedding in his church. (Throws a meaningful look at Anne)
We have not seen much of Darcy lately. I think I shall call on
him to pay his dearest aunt a visit. And it would be a good
thing for the two of you to spend some time together. He has
been spending too much time in the country: he ought to employ
his time in his rightful society.
Narrator: Anne had known of the scheme her mother and aunt had concocted.
When she was young, this thought of marrying Darcy had entertained
her greatly, but after Mr. Collins, Darcy paled in comparison.
Despite Mr. Collins’s impending marriage to a Bennet, Anne
could still only think of him.
Anne could not attract sleep that night, and so she read more of The Pope
than she ought to have. The very passage she read was filled
with ghastly scenes, poisoning, forbidden love, and a wicked old lady
controlling the world. Her head filled with these images, she fell asleep.
(Montage of Lady Catherine being witch-like, Mr. Collins being out of reach,
Anne feeling weaker and weaker, with very dramatic music in the background)
ACT IV
Dinner scene: Anne, Lady Catherine, and Charlotte are present
Lady Catherine: (To Anne)
You look ever so pale! Come, have some wine to rouse your
spirits. (makes sure her back is to Anne when she gets two glasses; hands Anne the
glass that is in her farthest hand)
Here is your wine, dear. Do drink up!
Anne: I am not thirsty, mother. Perhaps later.
Narrator: Anne’s dream had her thinking, and now she believed her mother
to be poisoning her, making her the feeble creature she was.
She was determined to undermine her mother and not drink a drop.
But Lady Catherine did not quit so easily.
Lady Catherine: Anne dear, drink your wine! My dear Mrs. Collins,
how are you settling at Hunsford? I gather you will find the
shelves in the closets upstairs to be of extreme use.
Charlotte: Uhm, well . . . yes! Shelves in a closet are very
useful, . . . indeed they are!
(Anne pretends to drink, but keeps her lips tightly closed.)
Narrator: As Anne tried her hardest not to drink her wine, which surely must
contain a horrible potion, she started to resent Mrs. Collins.
Here she sat, basking in the glory of having the world’s most
perfect husband, when he should have been Anne’s.
Suddenly, Anne sees a way out.
(Anne switches glasses with Charlotte.)
Anne: A toast! (All look at Anne, surprised she would raise her voice so.)
To Mrs. Collins, the happiest woman alive.
(voice warped with bitterness, but manages a sort-of smile)
All: Salut! To Mrs. Collins!
Narrator: Charlotte, no doubt dreading the first night in her marriage bed, drains half of her glass.
(The conversation continues, but Charlotte is feeling worse and worse, needs to cough a lot.)
Lady Catherine: Mrs. Collins, have a sip of wine.
Charlotte: (struggling to catch breath) Yes, yes I will. (drains the rest of her drink)
Lady Catherine: (looks at Anne, and her glass, and begins to see what has happened, as
Charlotte continues to gasp for air and cough; talks quietly to Anne alone)
Anne, did you switch glasses with Mrs. Collins?
Anne: (trying to sound innocent)
Yes, I saw that Mrs. Collins’s glass was not full, and I had no
thirst, so I switched them.
Lady Catherine: Silly
girl! You have no idea what you have done! Come Mrs.
Collins. I’ll take you to Mrs. Jenkins.
(They walk off, leaving Anne alone. Move to Anne’s bedchamber.)
Narrator: Charlotte had fallen quite ill. Anne was under the impression
that she had poisoned Charlotte, but she felt no remorse, as
Charlotte had snatched away her intended. She did not know that
the drink had in fact been a secret medicine Lady Catherine
administered to Anne. The high dose was not of great
consequence to Anne, as she received it her entire life, but it was
enough to make Charlotte take a turn for the very worse.
Anne let her mind drift off that night as she went to bed. Her dream started with a knock on the door.
(A knock)
Mr. Collins: My dearest, dearest Anne. I am free now. After your
little scheme, my wretched wife has passed away. Nothing stands
in our way now. What do you say? (Leans in closer)
Anne: I . . . I . . . I am overjoyed. Dearest
William, . . . I have loved you all this time. (also leans in closer)
(Instead of planting a passionate kiss, Mr. Collins head-butts Anne, and she
wakes up with a snore. It was all a dream.)
Narrator: Anne woke with a start. Unfortunately, it was all a dream, and
she did not know whether Charlotte had survived the night.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. (A knock)
The End Back to the Appendix |